Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Please support KFC-assisted suicide

The following is an email sent to the Right to Die Society of Canada, as well as the KFC PR team.

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To Whom It May Concern:

Perhaps by now you have heard about KFC's Double Down sandwich that will be launched on April 12 at its US stores. As you may already know, the product will feature bacon, cheese and the Colonel's Sauce "sandwiched" between two fried chicken fillets. So far, there's no word yet on when this artery-clogging treat will arrive in Canada, though I do think it is something the Right to Die Society of Canada should get behind with all of its might.

Perhaps you think I'm being crass or insensitive -- I think not.

Doctor-assisted suicide continues to be a thorny and divisive issue. (I'll spare you a rundown of the usual bickering. I trust you're already familiar with the arguments for and against.) With the availability of the Double Down sandwich in our domain, however, all legal and ethical issues will be moot, as the fast food industry will help you bypass all resistance, and help your members bypass a triple-bypass. If KFC is leaving the medical industry out of the equation, then why shouldn't you?
According to a recent Toronto Sun report:
"The grilled Double Down contains 460 calories, with 23 grams of fat and 1,430 milligrams ofsodium, according to Original recipe Double Down has 540 calories, 32 g of fat and 1,380 mg of sodium."

You may notice that I have copied KFC's PR firm, The Wilcox Group, as I believe there is much potential for synergy between their mission -- to help KFC sell more products, as well drop buzzwords like "synergy" at every opportunity -- and your mission, which is to promote the legalization of suicide. Your members get what they want, and KFC shareholders and franchisees get what they want. Everybody's happy and, more importantly, nobody's hungry.

Please let me know if you'd like me to kick around ideas with you for a KFC/Right to Die Society campaign. To borrow terminology from self-improvement guru Anthony Robbins, I'm feeling "laser-like" and am looking for somewhere to aim the beams.

James Deagle