Monday, February 29, 2016

When companies monitor employee sex lives: an email from the VP of Business Operations

Dear employees,

Now that the holidays are over and we are back up to a full team roster, I thought I'd revisit certain company policies. In doing so I'm not singling anyone out, as we all need a refresher every now and then.

As I'm sure you're aware, company facilities, equipment and resources are to be used for business purposes only in accordance with the tasks set out in your employment contract and performance objectives. Having said that, we realize that everyone is entitled to a sex life, and therefore we allow reasonable amounts of sexual activity during authorized breaks or lunch hours using company equipment or resources. We only ask that such activity be carried out in such a way that does not reflect badly on the company or our clients.

(Please note that you can have no expectation of privacy while on company premises, and that all sexual activity will be monitored, recorded and assessed for the purposes of compliance auditing.)

The above is spelled out succinctly in the welcome package you would have received on your first day of work, so I won't belabor the point any further. On a tangential note, however, I feel it prudent to discuss the matter of your off-hours conduct. There is a misconception that what you do on your own time is your own business. Not so fast!

While off-hours conduct is not addressed in your contract (or the welcome package), please note that the company lawyers have deliberated at length on this and have recommended a policy that the Board of Directors has now formally adopted, as explained below.

Let it be known and understood that you are deemed by us to be always representing the company, even outside of regular working hours, and that anything you do on your own time is absolutely a direct reflection on the company and its clients, whether you are in a public setting or the so-called 'privacy' of your home. As a rule, assume that nothing is private, a notion validated by legal precedents. (In short, the courts tend to uphold the right of employers to closely monitor their employees' sex lives, as well as reprimand – or even dismiss – anyone for sexual acts they find objectionable. Please see your manager for an exhaustive list of intimate practices this company considers verboten.)

Suffice to say this company will be exercising its legal right to closely monitor and evaluate your sex life, and will from time-to-time meet with you privately to discuss this area with you and offer feedback to ensure you don't overstep the bounds of corporate compliance. (Rest assured that the content of any such meetings will be strictly confidential to prevent any undue embarrassment.)

The key thing to ask yourself as you get intimate with that special person on a Saturday night is whether our clients would feel right about doing business with someone who assumes an unnatural position during intercourse, who engages in sex with someone of the same gender, or who goes to bed with someone after having consumed any amount of wine or spirits. Professionalism isn't just something you practice on the job – it's an all-encompassing lifestyle.

We understand that judgment can be impaired when giving yourself over to carnal desire – after all, you're only human! Therefore, we'll be making available to all employees a selection of biometric shame sensors that can be worn discreetly on your wrist, and will emit an audible series of beeps if and when you start feeling tempted to participate in an activity that you would otherwise recognize as an aberration.

And because we recognize you are all individuals with an innate need for creative self-expression, the sensor assigned to you will feature a wrist strap matching the color of your cubicle wall fabric, which, depending on where your workstation is situated, would mean either 'seafoam green' or 'dusty maroon'.

I trust you are all on the same page with us so far, so I hope you'll be likewise on the next point, which concerns the hygiene of your 'mental' sex life. Before you write this off as overly intrusive, consider this: the work you do for us on behalf of our clients depends in large part on your knowledge, powers of recall, and force of personality. Furthermore, embedded in your mind is a vast swath of this company's proprietary information, trade secrets and strategic protocols. Your brain, impressive as it was the day you first stepped through our door, has been augmented and improved by our intensive training regime and ongoing education initiatives. Therefore, according to our lawyers, the company has a proprietary interest in your mind, as well as the moral hygiene of your psyche.

On that note, each of you will have mandatory on-site evaluations conducted by psychiatrists to determine if you are plagued by sexually-inappropriate thoughts, as determined by the company guidelines referenced above, with a key focus on dream analysis via a combination of hypnosis and mild hallucinogens, through which content deemed offensive to our clients will be identified and noted for later discussions between you, your manager, and your assigned therapist. At these meetings, a personalized strategy will be developed to help you work towards a more compliant dream life and an improved overall sense of morality.

(Rather than have you bear the cost of your own evaluation, the company has pre-approved the use of the annual 'counseling' allotment in your benefits plan for this initiative. Your assigned benefits coordinator can provide further details if required.)

For those of you with questions or concerns regarding any of the above, we will be holding lunch hour information sessions in the small boardroom in the Phase Two building. (As per our usual boardroom policies, please refrain from bringing food and drink to these sessions.)

Thank you for your cooperation with the policies outlined above, and for taking to heart our client-based approach to business.

Sincerely,

Donald Ewen Cameron
VP of Business Operations